"Senior Year Begins"

My heart pounded and my stomach ached. It was nearly 8 in the morning (I had been at drill team practice since 6). The whole drill team knew that I was pregnant at this point, and most were pretty nice about the whole thing. I saw the principal standing in the door way and my coach was keeping her eyes on me.

Oh no what are they thinking? Maybe I can sneak out the back door.

As soon as practice had ended I made a quick pace towards the back doors of the gym acting like I needed to throw up, but he caught up to me before I even reached the doors.

"Hey, we need to talk. Can you come to my office for a minute?"

"Well, you know I'm not feeling so good today and I need to get back to work." (not a total lie, I worked at 2 and I was feeling sick because I knew what was coming.)

"It won't take to long if we do this now."

I slowly followed him, and my coach fell in behind me and we all walked into his office (a place, that if any of you know me well, know was not unfamiliar territory to me). I sat on one of his swirly chairs. I was tense, sitting straight up but trying to act like nothing was going on.

"So how are you?" he asked.

Oh come on, I know you know. A) your my principal B) your in the bishopric

"Oh you know pretty good. Just work and school now, haha. Just living life."

Why is she just staring at me. Your my coach aren't you supposed to act the least bit concerned.

"We've heard some rumors about you," he said leaning forward on his desk, "Do you know what I'm talking about?"

"Oh come on, when aren't there rumors about me."

"Are you pregnant?"

Oh no that sick can't say anything feeling again. Oh please pull it together since when did I become an emotional wimp. I can lie...I'm good at that.

All I did was shrug my shoulders.

"Well, according to state code we are not allowed to let you dance anymore. You can help manage but..."

"Woah, according to state code I am allowed to dance with a doctors release saying that I'm not causing harm to the baby."

"So you are pregnant."

"You already knew it, so why should I lie."

"Hasn't stopped you before."

Oh thanks, such support. I've already had my heart and trust destroyed by one person this summer, please don't push your luck and finish me off.

"Whatever."

I stood up and walked out of the room.

"We just want to talk about this with you." my coach said.

Ya about time you open your mouth.

"I have to get to work. Unlike most people my age I have a lot to think about right now, and a lot of things to prepare for."

"You know we can't let you dance."

Tears were burning my eyes. I had nothing majorly personal against either one of them but it just felt like everything was falling away from me. My life was slowly fading into something I didn't know.

"Ya I know, but I do need to go."

Instead of going straight to work, I drove to my home town and up to the cementary. I walked slowly up the hill to where my dad was. I always found comfort there and always go to that place when my head is full of confusing thoughts.

What am I going to do. This would be different if you were here, dad. I wouldn't have turned out this way...I don't think. What happened to me? I just wanted to feel normal, special, like someone saw something in me, now look at me. I'm nothing...the way I've always been.

A warm comforting feeling fell around me. These feeling would come to me from time to time, especially when I was at the cementary. I slowly drove down to my house, ate, and took a nap.

School started and before I knew it was September, and I was about going to the doctor to find out what I was having. I had started to go to group with other young girls that were either pregnant or had placed their babies for adoption. Of course, I didn't want to admit that I was even considering adoption at that point.

As my mom, my sister and I sat waiting for the ultrasound technitian to come in, my mind spun. I had to go with a full bladder (talk about uncomfortable).

oh please be a girl. Be a girl. I'd handle a girl alot better. You know it's a boy. Of course it's a boy.

"What do you think it is?"

"I want it to be a girl, but it's a boy I'm sure." (I'd had that little conversation mulitple times). As much as I wanted a girl or thought a girl would be amazing, something in me kept saying it's a boy. What a perfect boy. Boys just don't get the credit they deserve.

The technician came in and started. I watched my sister and had to smile. She looked so amazed and sort of happy. Of course, it was better for me to watch her for a bit to keep myself from crying. Those things are so amazing, and see your baby move in you before it is even here is so wonderful.

"So do you want to know the gender?" the technician asked as she scanned over the little body. Even if I didn't want to know one area she scanned to, told me before she even said anything.

"Ya."

"It looks like your having a boy."

A boy! That's so awesome. I can't believe it's a boy! I'm going to love him so much. He's going to be perfect. My little boy...kindof. I just wish I didn't have to admit what I need to do now.


I started to text people telling them, but his reply was the most discouraging but also the answer to my prayers that I'd been having lately.

I went to LDS Family Services that day and talked to my case worker and told her I was ready to start looking at profiles.


Whether it was a boy or girl, my decision wouldn't have changed. It's amazing how you think you want one thing, but when you get something else, it becomes so much better than what you thought you wanted. I couldn't imagine anything better than having a perfect little boy.