"Hospital"

My birthing story (I guess that's what I'll call it) kind of makes me giggle. On Wednesday night, my mom and I were in Logan and I was doing what I could to put myself into labor. I was drinking the raspberry ice tea. Walking (all though I was walking all the time anyway). I was huge, tired, sore, and some what miserable. It wasn't that I didn't want to be pregnant any longer because of him because I absolute miss being pregnant at times, but ugh, carrying all that weight around. Of course, I went to bed that night, no baby.

The next morning I went to the doctor and she told me that I was about 80% ephased and dialated 2 cm. She said that if I didn't have him soon, that she'd start me on Tuesday.

Great Emily is supposed to get started on Tuesday. I wanted him early but that won't that be awkward to know that we had our babies the same day. A brother and sister born on the same day but not twins. I can't deal with that.

Of course I prayed that he'd be born before tuesday because emotionally I didn't think I could deal with that. Later that day, AnDe had a doctors appointment to get something removed from her finger. While at her appointment I started to feel funny. Not sick, or in pain, just weird. I was slightly light headed, and there was a slight weird pulsing in my back.

Just my muscles saying enough.

After leaving there, AnDe all but passed out so we drove to Cold Stones and got her some icecream and I had to drive her car home. While standing in line waiting to get icecream, the tensing continued, but it was so dull that I hardly noticed it.

During the drive home, I felt weird. Just not normal. I figured it was because I was tired. They said that there was supposed to be a storm that night and every other storm I had had slight contractions but nothing that caused me to be concerned. I didn't bother to think about it. We got home and my mom and I went to work. While at work the tensing moved from my back towards my front. It didn't hurt all that bad, but it just wasn't comfortable. I told my mom as we watched the snow flying outside and she got a funny look on her face.

"How often?"

"Oh I guess about every 14 minutes."

By the end of the shift I was feeling them at a steady 11 minutes and my mom decided that I was in labor.

Wow movies totally over exagerate this. It hardly hurts at all.

My bosses kept telling us that we couldn't drive through the canyon so finally I told them that if they weren't going to let us go then I'd go to their house and have this baby on their bed or couch.

We went home and got all of our stuff. Luckily my bags were still packed because we had stayed at my brother's house the night before. We told AnDe, and in her excitment (I suppose) she tripped running up the floor. As much as I wanted to have a good laugh, when I tried, my stomach tensed up a little more. The drive to the hospital was a long one. Longer than most of the time because of the storm. Right before we got to the canyon we saw blue and red flashing lights.

Oh no the canyon is closed. Please, don't let the canyon be closed.

Luckily it was just an officer warning that there was an elk on the side of the road trying to jump the fence. We made our way through the canyon slowly, but not as slow as other vehicles. When we got to the hospital my contractions were still 11 minutes apart, I thought anyway. They hooked me up to the monitors and we found out that my contractions were every 2-3 minutes apart. I wasn't going any where. We made it there about 10:30. I lay in that bed for so long. I wasn't feeling the contractions very much when they asked me if I wanted the epideral but I said yes anyway because I was not looking forward to the pain to come.

At about 4:45 in the morning I felt and intense amount of pressure and told my step-dad to go tell a nurse. She came in to check me, even though she had only left a few minutes before and said that she would get my doctor. At about 5:00 it was time to start pushing. I was scared, and my mind was racing.

Why does his heart rate keeping dropping. What is going on?

"You need to breathe. The oxygen isn't getting to him."

Eventually they had to put on oxygen mask on me and I continued pushing.

Finally at 5:20 he was here. He looked so perfect. His head was cone shaped too bad, and he didn't have bruises or anything. He had the perfect head of dark hair and big eyes. He hardly even cried which I don't know if it was good or bad, but the whole time we were in the hospital he hardly cried.

I couldn't help the feeling of happiness and sadness that filled me. I couldn't stop all the tears that were welling up in my eyes.

Why do I have to do this? I can be his mom, I can take care of him. He's mine, but I'm not ready to do this alone.

Later that day I called the couple. They took him from me to do checks on him while I was recovering so I got a few hours of sleep but not a whole lot. I talked to Holly and she asked me if I was sure if this was what I wanted to do.

"Yes, it is. Please come when you can."

They were kind enough to give me that day with him, and my doctor was kind enough to give me an extra day in the hospital to stay with him. I hardly ever let him leave.

The next day, was crazy but exciting. I signed the papers first thing in the morning. I didn't cry all the way through it until after everyone left, and then I broke down. I hadn't felt anything this agonizing up until that point. Although the next day, I knew would be even harder.

This is it. It's over. He's not mine anymore.

There were so many people in the room. How we were allowed to have that many people there, I will never know, but so many of my friends and family came to see me. The final visitor that evening shocked me however. I sat there about ready to eat and waiting for Zach and Holly to come in. I'd seen them once that day, but they had left to go to their room and get their little girl settled. I held the little boy (we were calling him Stetson at the point because we thought that was what his name was going to be) and fed him while I ate my food as well. There was a slight knock on the door and then someone walked through the door.

Chris stood in the door way awkwardly. The most I could really do was shrug my shoulders.

"Here he is." I said, and motioned the baby towards him. He came over and picked him up. He looked so uncomfortable and about as scared. He sat down and kept talking to him and watching him.

"Are they good people?" was all he really asked me, aside from small talk.

"Yes, they are."

Not long after he got there my brother (dressed in his Highway Patrol uniform) walked in, followed by Zach and Holly. They talked with both of us, and then discussed names.

"We've been thinking, and would Braxton be ok?"

Braxton? But, I thought....he looks like a Braxton.

"Ya, Braxton works."

Chris talked with them but hardly ever took his eyes off of Braxton.

After everyone left, that night was the longest and hardest one I had. The nurse took Braxton and promised to bring him back as soon as they were done doing checkups on him. Two in the morning rolled around and he still hadn't been brought back. I called one of the nurses and told her I wanted him in my room with me.

Don't they understand this is my last night with him as mine. Well kindof, I signed the papers today, but still he's mine right now.

They brought him in and immediantly I picked him up into bed with me. That was the first and only night that I slept with him in my arms. I had been so scared all the other nights that I would drop him and roll on top of him, but as the sun started to shine into the room, I woke to find him perfectly fine, laying there with me.

While my mom was in the shower that morning, a nurse that I'd never seen before came in. All my bags were packed, and I sat on the bench by the window holding Braxton, crying. She came and sat by me, and asked if I was ok. I told her I was, but that it was just hard. She said that she had read on my records that I was placing my baby and then she proceeded to tell me about how she had adopted children and how amazing she thought it was. She wasn't there very long, but she was a great comfort to me. I sat there a little longer, holding him, crying, and praying.

He will always be part of me. No matter what he will always be part of mine.