I don't know why but for me Christmas has never been an overly exciting time. I sometimes feel that it is an overly exaggerated time to spend money and that all the meaning of it got lost somewhere in the ribbons and paper. Not that I'm totally anti-Christmas, because I do enjoy being with my family and not having to be in school.
For some reason this Christmas season hasn't been easy for me. It started about the week before Thanksgiving and hasn't improved. The night of the Forgotten Carols (which I absolutely love that play and plan on going in the years to follow) I did really well until she sang the song "Mary Let Me Hold Her Baby" (which I didn't do too well during that song last year either). Luckily I had Kyle there who instinctivly I think because he knows how emotional I've been about babies and stuff lately, put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me as far over to him as he could. The rest of the night I gripped his hand and tried to keep control of my emotions.
I've tried to alot but sometimes I can't. I know no one really understands or knows how to help me, and I'm just praying that I make it through February. Maybe after that I'll be ok. It's even gotten to the point that, not every time, but quite a few times when I hear the song "Breath of Heaven" I start to cry. I know the song is about Mary, but there are so many lines in that song that link to how I feel, and how I felt last year.
This will be Braxton first Christmas. I can't believe he's almost a year old. I know undoubtably that I made the right decision for him, but it's been a rough road. Physically, Emotionally, Mentally, and Socially, I've had to change or have had struggles. Granted all people go through this in one stage in their life or another. I used to love going to group but now it's turned into being all about the pregnant girls, and those of us that have already placed are pushed to the side and not asked about how we are doing, which I know seems like a minor thing but when that's the only place any of us can go to talk to people who understand how we feel, it's hard.
I'm sure it hasn't helped that I'm not a very open person any more. I don't want to interfere on anyone else's life, offend/hurt them, or share too much. So in advance I'm sorry if I've done any of these things by posting this blog.
2 years ago
2 comments:
Don't ever be sorry for sharing your feelings Shanna. It's kind of a funny thing too, because before when we found out that we couldn't have kids, and we went to the Forgotten Carols, I bawled through that song too. So in a strange way we have felt similar feelings. I know this is hard for you and I am glad that you don't regret your decision, I just wish I could do something more to help. It was nice to visit with you today for a little bit though. :)
I know we don't know each other, but you are so not alone, and I've been doing this for 18 years now.
Some days it gets easier and some days it's harder then I ever thought it would be.
I too am not a very open person and I think not feeling like I could talk about any of it to anyone didn't help at all.
Don't ever feel sorry for expressing your feelings on here. I think it's wonderful that you have a place that you can share your thoughts and feelings, after all it is your blog.
Like I said, I know you don't know me, but I've been there and I do understand, albeit not perfectly because no two situations are the same. But if you ever need to talk to someone who's been there you are welcome to get ahold of me.
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